it all comes down to cats
by TheAliensDidIt
Summary: <html><head></head>In which Happy tries his hand - erm. Paw - at serenading, Juvia attempts to sneak an indirect kiss, Lucy and Lisanna are drunk, Natsu is happily clueless, and a catfight ensues.</html>


_My first (pathetic) attempt at humor. Let me know how it goes, yes? Review, my pretties._

* * *

><p><strong>it all comes down to cats.<strong>

A blue paw twangs softly on the guitar strings.

"_Some things are meant to beeeeeeeee."_

"Male cat."

The likeness of Elvis Presley's music flows from his mouth.

"_Take my hand, take my whole life tooooooooo."_

"Male cat."

A pleasant romantic smell fills the air.

"_For I can't heeeeeelpppp _—_"_

"_Male cat."_

His eyes are closed; he's savoring the moment. Here it is, the grand finale.

"— _falling in looooooveeeee with youuuuuuuu."_

"_MALE CAT."_

The music breaks off with a jarring squelch; the odor turns smelly and sour.

"You . . . you don't like Elvis Presley, Charle?" Happy sticks out his lower lip and cries fake tears for good measure.

"It's not Elvis Presley, male cat, it's you," she flippantly answers.

The blue feline wails in anguish, abandons his guitar and flops dejectedly on the bar in front of Mira.

"Mira-chan," he mewls, "my milk. _Two percent _milk."

She smiles sympathetically and deposits a glass of milk in front of Happy.

He picks up the glass, but stops and reconsiders. After a moment of quiet thinking, he raises it to the general direction of Charle — "THIS IS FOR YOU, CHARLE!" — and bravely downs the glass of two percent milk.

* * *

><p>"He's <em>mine." <em>Lucy slams her hand down on the bar, grinning madly.

"No. We were _engaged!" _Lisanna screams shrilly. She shakily raises her hand, twines a Gummi worm around her middle finger to form a poor likeness of a ring, and shoves it to Lucy's face.

"Before you disappeared," Lucy counters, sloppily draining her third glass of apple mead.

"Well I'm back now!"

"He changed his mind!"

"No! He wouldn't!"

"He did!"

Lisanna growls and tackles Lucy, and they roll around the floor in a giggling drunk heap.

From the other side of the bar, Natsu watches the two with bewilderment written all over his face. "What're they fighting over?"

Mira sighs dejectedly. "Oh, Natsu."

Happy tears two chunks off his fish and smooches them together, imitating Charle in a falsetto voice. "Happy!" — cries Charle Fish — "I should never have spurned your declarations of love for me! Will you . . . will you forgive me?"

"Anything for you, my lovely Exceed angel," Happy whispers, and proceeds to squish Charle Fish and Happy Fish together again.

"And then we can have two little kitties — one blue, one white — and we'll name them Charle Junior and Happy Junior, and we'll take them to the fish store each Saturday to give them a treat, and we'll fly with them together into the sunset —"

"There will be _no _trips to the fish store, male cat, and absolutely _no kitties." _

Happy drowns his sorrows in another glass of two percent milk.

Sniffing haughtily, Charle turns away.

Happy chooses that moment to poke Natsu on the shoulder. "You know, Natsu, you should get a girlfriend."

Natsu, being the poor idiot boy he is, stares at Happy with a blank face.

"Plenty of choices here," Happy gestures at the rolling mass that consists of Lisanna and Lucy. Their argument now consists of:

"I have bigger breasts than you!" Lucy screeches.

"You do not!"

"I do!"

"No! _I _have bigger breasts!"

"Prove it!"

Lisanna yanks her blue top up, revealing her white lace bra underneath.

Mira screams hysterically and faints. Elfman claws at his eyes in a vain attempt to "wash away the unmanly act done by my sister."

Lisanna purses her lips stubbornly. "See! I was hot before I disappeared!" Then she stops and beams maniacally. "I _am _hot."

Lucy, not wanting to be outdone, huffily pulls her shirt up.

The guild is now eerily fixated on the two girls. There is the muted sound of a body thumping down on the floor and several nosebleeds.

"I told you mine is bigger!"

"No way! Mine is obviously bigger than yours!"

As one, Lisanna and Lucy turn to the object of their affections.

"Natsu, tell Lisanna I have bigger breasts!"

"You know that's not true, Natsu-kun, Lucy's are _tiny!" _

The pink-haired boy has the decency to look flabbergasted. "How should I know?"

Lucy and Lisanna share a glance with each other, eyes sparkling with twin mischief.

"You can touch them?" Lucy offers.

* * *

><p>Gray sniggers in the background and Natsu shoots him a dirty look, which Gray promptly ignores, and returns to sipping his iced tea.<p>

Well.

Almost sipping.

His lips are half a centimeter away from the cool heavenly liquid when he catches sight of a blue eye staring at him.

A blue eye.

Floating in his iced tea.

A girly, high-pitched shriek tears out of Gray's mouth (later, though, he denies having shrieked like that).

The glass tips over and Juvia drips out slowly.

"Almost . . . Juvia almost had it! Juvia almost had Gray-sama's first kiss!"

"You . . . you tried to sneak an _indirect kiss_?" Gray gawks.

"Juvia did a good job, didn't she?" the blue-haired woman perks up instantly.

"No! Juvia, you can't just . . . just go around hiding in people's glass and stealing kisses!"

"But why not, Gray-sama? Juvia will do . . ." her eyes flare up and are filled with hearts, "anything for Gray-sama!"

Gray moans in anguish and runs off to drown himself in the nearest canal, with Juvia running after him desperately.

"Don't worry, Gray-sama, Juvia will save you!"

Needless to say, from that moment on, Gray has taken to purifying his water with iodine tincture before drinking.

Cana cackles madly.

* * *

><p>"Natsu-kun, have you thought about getting a girlfriend?" Lisanna smiles sweetly and latches onto his right arm.<p>

Lucy bobs her head up and down in agreement from Natsu's left.

He eyes them both. "Erm. No."

They both giggle wildly. "So cute when he's in denial," Lucy coos.

"Get a clue," someone shouts drunkenly to Natsu.

The two girls ignore Natsu's protestations and move closer.

"But Natsu-kun, if you had to choose between me and Lucy . . ." Lisanna starts.

"It'll be me, right Natsu?" Lucy says.

"As if he'll fall for an idiotic blonde like you!"

"You're jeaaalouuuuuus." Lucy purrs.

"Am not."

"Are too."

"_Am not."_

"So Natsu, who is it?" Lucy arches her eyebrows at him suggestively.

"I, uh . . ."

"You promised, Natsu! You promised me!" Lisanna starts tearing up. "Or did you forget . . . about my _trump card?"_

Natsu looks a little lost. "What trump . . . oh. Oh. That trump card. LISANNA, YOU WOULDN'T."

"Oh but I would, Natsu-kun . . ." Lisanna grins deviously.

"What trump card? What trump card?" Lucy interrupts.

"That's something between me and my _boyfriend."_

"_He is not your boyfriend! He's mine!"_

"Natsu-kuuuuuuuuuun? Who will you choose?"

Natsu shuffles his feet nervously. "Uh. Lisanna."

Lisanna whoops in victory. Lucy wails and dissolves in tears.

With a final evil laugh, the white-haired girl pulls Natsu away and leaves Lucy alone on the floor.

Lucy slumps down and scratches at the floorboards. "My life is over. I'm useless. I should die. Dammit, I should die. There is nothing for me to live for. Absolute no —"

A poof interrupts her ramblings.

"Oh fair maiden, fear not! Cease crying, for your tears are soiling your beautiful face! I, the wonderful, the handsome, the princely Loke shall come to your aaaiiiiiid!"

Lucy lifts herself up and jumps to the spirit. "My hero."

"And _you, _vile creature! I shall eradicate you for distressing my lovely princess!" Loke points at Natsu.

"Whoo-hoo! Go Loke!"

The lion spirit smoothes his hair back with a well-practiced move. "Rawr."

"Louder, Loke! Louder!"

Loke clears his throat. "Raawr."

"Yay!" Lucy cheers happily.

Loke hisses savagely and scratches Natsu with his two-inch-long cat nails.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, Erza has at last decided to kick Lucy, Lisanna, Loke, and Natsu out.<p>

"I bet you're sorry you didn't choose me, Natsu!" Lucy sticks her tongue out at him.

Lisanna and Loke open their mouths to retort. They are abruptly silenced by Cana, who is interested — to say the least — about the outcome of Lucy and Natsu's conversation.

"But Luce, I had no choice!" Natsu waves his hands in the air despairingly.

"Eh?"

"It was choosing Lisanna or suffering eternal shame, Luce!"

"Eternal shame?"

"She says . . . she says if I don't choose her, she'll turn into a cat and have pink human-cat babies with Happy."

* * *

><p><em>Ahh… what can I say? I tried my best.<em>

_Oh well. Hope you liked._

_-__- TheAliensDidIt_


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